Jenn Begins #1: Time to Grow

Tuesday, August 23, 2016


Since I came back to blogging again 3.5 years ago, I've only written content that wasn't personal, like hauls or coupon lists, because it was easier and allowed me to keep a good distance.  Today, that changes.

For the last few years, I've not really gone much of anywhere.  Sure, I've lived and worked in several different places.  I've been able to cross paths with a wonderful and refreshingly, diverse group of people.  While this greatly expanded my view of the world and smashed through a lot of the ignorant childhood notions festering within me, most aspects of my life have stagnated.

After years of feeling like I have my personal dark cloud, I think I'm finally ready for my life to change.  I'm just so fed up that I just want to scream at the top of my lungs.


With the exception of a few more pounds, wrinkles, and chips on my shoulder,  I don't feel much different from that 18-year-old girl who was slinging tacos in high school to be able to furnish her freshmen dorm room.  I still have a lot of the same concerns, bad habits, feigned ignorance, and lazy thinking. 

I've always swept things under the rug instead of confronting them head on.  I've been content to live in blissful ignorance and justifying with "it will all just work out how it's supposed to."  I've always wanted to be secure,  happy, and successful, but I've never had a clear plan to get there. 

I just assumed if I worked hard enough that I would magically get there.  Recently, it's hit me, like a sack of jagged bricks, that it's just pissed away if no clear plan is in place.  It's just working and dreaming just to work and dream.  Unless luck magically appears, it's not going much of anywhere.

While I'm not going to go into too much detail for this series' introductory post, let's back it up a bit to how I've acquired this fiery burr of renewed purpose that has lodged itself in my rear.

I got issues.  I got a whole shelf of deluxe volumes full of issues.  Who doesn't? 

These issues, left to evolve, manifested into the most annoying, loud, and sadistic voice in my head that shouted and threaten to paralyze me at every turn.

I was too stupid.  There was no way I could ever catch up with the students that came from big cities or rich families.  I just needed to quit trying.  I had to have what everyone else had even if I didn't have the money for it.  I was just going to embarrass myself.  I was too ugly, fat, or cheaply dressed to ever go anywhere.  I shouldn't be allowed in public because I had fat rolls.  I had to settle for dating this skid bump of society because that was all I was worth.  I'm never going to be anything.  So, it was useless to even try.

Y'all get the picture, right? 

It got so bad at one point, close to 10 years ago, that I had a complete and paralyzing nervous breakdown that left me unable to even go outside for months.  Y'all, I couldn't even step foot on my porch unless I had wrapped myself in a blanket so no one could see me. 

Issues are not pretty, nice, or anything to be romanticized on a galaxy printed t-shirt.

It wasn't until about 3 years ago that I started slowly peeling back that dark veil by paper thin layers during a long bout of job hunting and failing after moving back to my tiny hometown. 

The journey out of the dark and depressing began when I started this blog back up and continues today as I'm in one of the best jobs I've had in over a decade.  The light is finally visible enough in the distance that I believe it actually exists and not some myth made up by people that look down from their tufted pedestals dripping with diamonds.

The other side of being able to finally see a glimpse of that light is that I WANT IT.  I want it with such an intensity that it almost scares me.


I want to get rid of all the clutter and things that should have been thrown away years ago to improve my surroundings.  I deserve to live in a place that is functional and stress-free.

I want to change my bad spending habits, pay off my debts, and save like a mad woman.  I deserve to have a future that is more financially secure.

I want to work hard, study, learn from my peers, and smile at each person that comes in the door.  I deserve to try to do my job even better.

I want to figure out the best things for me to eat, start working out again, and throw away my scale.  I deserve to feel better and be a positive factor in my health conditions.

In the past couple of years, my life has changed so much and I've been able to learn so much about myself to the point where I can finally step back and look at things I was once blind to see.  I am finally in a place where I can forgive myself and others and allow change and growth to truly happen.

I'm tired of feeling like I'm at the mercy of everything and everyone else.  I'm tired of blaming all my problems on what others have done, my upbringing, the government, etc.  It is just blowing hot air when it comes to actually making progress.  It is a harsh lesson, and may not be fair, but it's the hard truth.

I'm taking control.  At the end of the day, it is what I do that matters for my life.  It's what I do in the short term, long term, and in between that will make a difference.

It's going to be hard.  I'm probably going to flub a few times before I get the formula right, but nothing will change if I don't at least try.

I'm Jenn, and I'm finally ready to begin again.

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A/N: 

I hope to do more posts in this series that go into different topics in more detail.  I may even do progress posts much later on.  

I finally decided to do these because reading other people's experiences really helped me at my darkest moments even if I didn't believe progress was possible.  It made me feel less alone in what I was feeling.

There was a time in my life when I wasn't fine, but I'm good now.  Do not worry.  

If you are in a time where you are not fine, seek help as best you can.  Try to think of this time as just part of a cycle.  It's a stupidly unfair and painful part of a cycle, but it will eventually lead to an opportunity for something else. It may be tomorrow.  It may take years like it did for me.  Just remember that it will happen.

As for now, there is no plan to do any videos on youtube about this series.  I try to keep youtube very light-hearted and fun with a dash of snark.

I held back writing this series for so long because I knew that certain people in my life read my blog.  I didn't want to have to deal with the crap that would roll down the hill on me.  Fortunately, I've cut most of those people out of the bulk of my life.  I also just don't care what they think anymore.  That's a whole 'nother issue for a whole 'nother day. ;)

Thanks for reading.  This girl is going back to improving her space with a bucket of paint and a paint brush.

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